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Sometimes I feel like life is moving at such a speed I am forgetting who and what I am.


Take yesterday for example, we have been busy busy, packing in so much trying to keep the boys entertained.  They have developed an annoying whine.  They irritate the hell out of me, Dan and each other!  So we have taken to getting out of the house as soon as possible before this whine starts and I start shouting.
It's been exhausting.
Yesterday we were having a picnic at a nearby lake.  The boys ran round and around the food in circles and generally annoyed the hell out of us.  I managed to breathe through it.  
In a short while they were rolling around on the grass entertaining themselves giggling.
I looked over at Dan and became quite emotional.


Jesus!  I this our life?  {don't get me wrong it could be a whole lot worse I know}.
We have been so caught up in parenting in what seems like forever, I have totally forgotten who I am.  Who Dan is. 


We have just been on auto pilot, dealing with the tantrums, whining and difficult kids for so long it's become normal!


I had forgotten that we are just two people who fell in love.  Hung around for a bit.  Decided we liked it - alot.
And then made the step of wanting to become more than just us two, and for us to become 3.  And then 4!
But this wouldn't have happened if we hadn't had found each other... he liking me and I him.
And who was I who he thought was awesome?
It seems so far removed from who I am now.


I was funny, cute, danced bare foot, climbed trees, drank too much, rode a bike with flowers planted in it's shopping basket.  I danced to drum and bass.  Smoked rollies.  Ate not enough.  Had long hair.  Wore lots of skirts. Had brown skin.  Partied alot. Had mad friends. Went to India and left him! {I did come back to him - obviously!}  I was cool and carefree.


He was his own man, cool and interesting. He just wanted to talk to me.  Told me interesting stories about the universe, planets, plants and science.  He rode bikes, he loves bikes!  He was cute, quiet and funny. Smoked a lot of rollies.  Drank real ale. Wore cool t-shirts. Danced crazy. And laughed alot!


Now?  Huh?  Of course he is still all of these things, but he is a DAD now and that takes over.  You know what I mean?


Don't get me wrong, I don't particularly want to be that girl anymore, I am in a whole new decade and a whole different life.  I just want to remember, remember the essence of me, of us as that crazy couple.


Remember why we decided to have children.  Why I fell in love and he in love with me.  Remember who I was before 'they' came along, and why they are who they are - because they are a bit of me and a bit of Dan.  Loud, spontaneous, a bit bonkers and ALOT annoying!


I still am like that girl back then in many ways, I just have a whole heap of responsibility thrown in with it.  But it's all good. And we will get over all of this behaviour, I say this with my fingers firmly crossed.


Because I love them and they love me - we are all one of the same.
x


p.s. as I write this Charlie is wearing his winter coat backwards, with the hood over it head pretending to be a ghost.  The smell of the jasmine in the garden is wafting through the window.  Dan is reading to Rufus in bed..... life is restored, it's all good - repeat to fade.

17 comments:

  1. Beautiful post Lou. I think it sums up everything about parenthood! The summer holidays are some of the hardest weeks of the year and also some of the best. Five more weeks to go until normality resumes!

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  2. lovely post & so true, having battled round the supermarket with two hot, grumpy, arguing children today i can feel what your saying, i find myself taking many deep breaths throughout the day & remind myself that in a blink they will have grown & this time will be past & i will mourn it {& then look forward to the grand children} xxx

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  3. beautiful post, thank you for sharing. we don't have children yet, but somehow I can relate to your thoughts as well. We both left home and moved to another country to start university at the age of 18. so when our friends still stayed with their parents. partied every weekend we (myself and my no husband-then boyfriend) worked in cafes and fast foods to make a living and to be able to follow our dreams. so we had no holidays and no free time for ourselves for 3 long years and we almost forgot who we were, what we enjoyed and why we left home and decided to take such a crazy step...

    ...but it was just a phase. now we've moved to another, much more relaxed chapter in our lives and life is good again. so maybe for you it will be just a phase too? I'm not sure if this comment is even relevant. I hope it is...

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  4. I tell you whatl, I was on the verge of cancelling our holiday the week before we went becuase both girls were driving me bonkers and we all spent the entire week screaming at each other. I thought there's no way I'm going to spend a week in a field with no cbeebies screaming at my children in a field full of middle-class disaproving parents! Sometimes it's easy to get trapped in the hard bits and forget how fab the good times are. But they come round again, even better each time.

    I've been a parent for 6 1/2 years now and can't really remember the person I was before I was a parent. Or maybe I never changed that much- I'm not really sure. Either way I don't see it as having lost any of myself, just gained more of me. x

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  5. Oh and also meant to say I'm a wee bit jealous that you managed to have such a fab time before the boys. I seem to have had a life of boring capatilist drudgery compared to you- school->college->uni->career->kidlings->work work work! I will have to do the whole partying in India thing when they've grown up and left home! x

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  6. I totally loved this post Lou - I have been there a thousand times. The stupid thing is that the cliche is true, parenthood makes you feel swamped, lucky, happy and cross in turns or confusingly at the same time. Then, in a blink of an eye your children turn into adults and start the process of leaving you. You are still a parent though even when they are not there. Happy frustrating, glorious times!

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  7. I can totally relate Lou. It's the same here only Scott still smokes lots of rollies ;) he said to me yesterday "what has happened to us. We're having a conversation about burger buns!" plus my dr was concerned I don't take any contraception until I told him we have a 4 yr old sleeping btw us most nights. Little tykes - you can't imagine life without them now :) xxx

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  8. Dear Lou
    A lovely post and I can totally empathise with it! Four months into adoption and it feels like we've been hit by a roller coaster then hung, drawn and quartered ... all before breakfast!!
    I can feel for you in your frustration and all those thoughts about 'where did I go?" - well, I have all those too!!!
    So I'm sending you a virtual hug of kinship - I certainly don't have any wisdom to impart (I'm so new to this parenting game!) - but I hope that your summer hols improves and that you get to have a minute or two to dance bare foot in a meadow :-)
    Take care,
    D xxx

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  9. Oh Lou, we all feel like this as parents, I think kiddies just have so much energy it is hard to keep up and they drain us. My oldest two are quite often fighting and i now just tell them to only come to me when they have drawn blood (in fact they are next to me right now punching each other but I give up, oh now they are pinching each other!). Just think you are young enough that when they get older you will be able to be you again, for now try and become a kid with them and enjoy running around in circles until you fall over. xxx

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  10. Anonymous2.8.11

    Hi - I love your blog and this post definitely struck massive chords here!
    Parenting can be such a roller coaster. 15 years down the line with my wonderful partner and two smallies later...I think so much about who we were before and at times it feels so far away! It is constant change, adapting and growing when kids arrive on the scene, and trying to keep hold of your sense of self and of each other.

    Thanks for a great post.

    x

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  11. Wow, that is one really beautiful post... I'm kind of lost for what to say. I don't have kids but I sometimes feel that life moves too fast and we all lose sight of who we are a bit... forget that we're more than just an employee, working away. Hope you get a moment to yourselves real soon x

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  12. Love this post Lou! And thank you for saying it all out loud. Sometimes I feel there is way too much stuff about being a 'great mom' and not nearly enough ranting! We are on holiday and I still had a huffy morning trying to stop the boys fighting while ben had a lie in. Sometimes we get to the end of the day and look at each other and say hello! We've been together all day yet not really communicated properly. We're always talking about our travels before the kids, refer to them as the good old days! Love my boys but sheesh! Two boys! Still can't believe it. Anyway, I'm off for nap. X

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  13. There are many days when I feel I have my head down and I'm just racing toward the point when I can sleep again. Despite this, I do feel a greater sense of self than I did before becoming a parent.

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  14. It so good to hear its not just me! Our two boys are a little older than yours (7 & 5) and believe me the space for you and him to be together grows. We go out occassionally thesedays and even talk about the world, not just kids. Its as much fun getting to knwo each other again as it was the first time around. Washing up to the Archers while they muck about in the garden is as romantic as it gets but still, special.

    Its all consuming isn't it, and even though its the most marvellous thing ever, sometimes its flippin' hard work. My poor parents!

    Thanks for a brilliant post which made me feel so normal.
    Stephx

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  15. Lady, i don't know how i missed this post- I have been feeling the EXACT same way- except my eldest is only 2.5. Man, i guess it stays hard for a while then?! Shit.

    I hope the good feeling sticks for you... i can feel the black dog biting at my heels... but i'll kick him off.

    xo em

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  16. lou. you just wrote a post that surely speaks to the heart of every single mummy out there! oh my gosh thats word for word my own thoughts of late! 3 under 6 and tilly's 24/7 syndrome and surviving 2 years of utter diognosis shock...me and joe are forgotten amongst it all...there is no roo for us or me in our life and no balance between them and us! i too love my kids more than the wrold but want to remember and sometimes feel again those past times of us and me! we are beginning to act on this need for balance now...am going to post about it at some point. big hugs honey, i do love your blog xxxxxx

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Hello! Thank you for leaving a comment... I love to hear from you. Have a great day! Lou x